Apparently Captain Literally has literally NEVER opened a dictionary in the
term literally.
If he had done so, he'd see that "literally" is also used as an emphasized
form of "virtually, in effect". And not just by "ignorant teens" etc --
it's use is so old that it's made in the dictionary, and in fact it's has
been used for centuries.
Perhaps he gets confused when "blue" also means sadness instead of just the
color? Or when "awful" means bad, instead of "worthy of awe" as was the
original meaning of the term?